Exiles
by Mandalore Jaig
Summary: Deadpool, Kronk, and the Tick are sent by the Time Broker to fix the problems of multiple universes. Insanity insues as the characters fight with each other and Deadpool with the narator. Did we mention the zombies?
1. Chapter 1

The Time Broker talked to the newly arrived people. "Greetings. I have brought you here for a special mission. You are each from a different reality. I need your help in fixing other realities. According to my research you are the best from your respective reality. You will be best suited to take on the challenges ahead. You will be called the Exiles." He turned to the four hundred pound man in the blue body stocking. "Um, Tick is it?" He reviewed a clip board he had. "You appear most qualified to be team leader."

"Keen!" said Tick, playfully punching the guy in red next to him

"And…" more looking at the clipboard. "Kronk, you will be the strategist."

"What does that mean?" asked Kronk rubbing his chin.

"Um, you plan what the team is going to do," clarified Time Broker.

"Oh, right. I can do that. What are we doing again?" Kronk asked.

"We are so doomed," muttered the man in red shaking his head and rubbing his shoulder from where Tick had punched him.

"Say what's your name, chum?" asked the Tick.

"I'm Deadpool, the merc with the mouth," he answered jabbing a thumb at himself.

"What's a merc? Say, is that short for (giggle) Mercedes?(Female name for those of you who don't know)" asked Kronk.

"Mercenary you ####!" said Deadpool whirling on Kronk.

Sorry no swearing allowed. "Who said that?" the Time Broker asked.

"The narrator," growled Deadpool.

Nope, can't say that either. "Not even $$$$?" asked Deadpool.

Uh-uh. "What is this, a kid's story?" demanded Deadpool.

You're a comic book character, Deadpool. Every story should be kid friendly. Oh, and for future reference you don't get to kill anyone or for that matter, do or say anything inappropriate. "What? I'm a mercenary! A hired assassin! I don't do nice things!" roared Deadpool.

Now you play nice or you'll get punished. Just go along with the story. It'll be fun, I promise. "You're going to punish me? What could you possibly…"

A television screen appeared facing Deadpool. It was showing teletubies. Deadpool whirled to the Time Broker, who was grimacing in spite of himself. "All right let's go! Send us now!"

"But I haven't told you about where you're going and what you're mission is."

"Doesn't matter. Just send us."

"Alright. But I'm sending the mission parameters with you. They're contained in this jewel." He clamped a very gaudy piece of jewelry onto Deadpool's arm. Before Deadpool could say anything about how it clashed with his costume they were teleported to their mission reality.

They appeared in New York. "Well this looks pretty normal," said Deadpool. "Looks like my reality. In that case I'm gone." He began to walk away. He suddenly hit an invisible forcefield. "Oww!" said Deadpool rubbing his nose. He looked up. "I still can't leave?" No. You haven't even found out what the mission is. "Fine." Deadpool walked back towards the group. "How does this thing work?" He began hitting the red gem in the center of the arm band.

Suddenly it came to life. The gem began to glow. "Ohh, shiny," said the Tick and Deadpool in unison.

The gem began to speak. "This reality is about to be invaded by a plague. It will consume almost all of the life on this planet. Your mission is to stop it before it happens."

"Looks like it's going to rain," commented the Tick. The sky was definitely getting dark. There was a bolt of purple lightning.

"Hey, that's not suppose to happen," said Kronk. "According to my Junior Woodchuck survival training, purple lightning is not a good sign."

"Hey…gem thing. What are the warning signs of the beginnings of this plague?" asked Deadpool.

"First there is a storm with purple lightning." There was a sudden crash. "Then something crashes into the center of New York." The heroes began running towards the crash site.

"What are the symptoms of this plague?" asked Deadpool as they ran.

"Grayish skin, cannibalism, loss of morals…" They got to the crash site. Several other superheroes had gotten there too. Something, no someone was climbing out of the crater.

"WERE FIGHTING ZOMBIES!"

"Correct. It is recommended that you keep the heroes of this reality away from the source. Otherwise they may become infected and you will have to fight them too."

The Tick took charge. "Alright team you heard the gem thing. Let's take this guy down before he can infect anyone else. Spoon!" The Tick ran towards the man crawling out of the crater. The man hit the Tick knocking him back up and out of the crater.

"Um ow kay," garbled the Tick as he slowly got up. He shook his head to clear it and ran back at the man. The man tried to bite him so as to infect him, but by doing so broke all of his teeth. "I'm nigh invulnerable," said the Tick jabbing a finger at himself and smiling. The man then wound back and hit him harder. The Tick flew through a sky scraper.

"Fine, I'll play along," said Deadpool. He pulled out two Sig Sauer's and began emptying both clips on the man, but to no effect. Maybe you should try something bigger? Deadpool then noticed a .50 cal sniper rifle lying nearby. "Oh, shiny!" It had armor piercing rounds. He began to fire at the man. The bullets knocked him back, but would not penetrate him. "You give me a gun to fight this guy with and it doesn't help? You're a terrible author!" The reason that the bullets wouldn't penetrate were because he was the Sentry, albeit a zombiefied version. "WE'RE FIGHTING THE SENTRY? Oh crud, we are so doomed."

Then his gem thing spoke up, "If you stop him from consuming anything for two weeks he will regain his normal thinking. However, he will still be contagious."

"Great, so I just have to fight pretty much the strongest person in the universe to a stand still for two weeks. " Deadpool looked around. "Kronk! Keep him busy for awhile. I have to go find some stuff. I think I can stop him."

"What if I get infected?" asked Kronk, definitely worried.

"He doesn't have teeth. He can't bite you. Just don't let him spit in any open wounds. I'll be back." Deadpool then ran off.

As he ran he began to sing to the tune of "You're so vain" by Carly Simon. "We're so doomed, betcha this world's doomed too…" Wow your voice really is annoying. "Hey! It wasn't my idea to be in this comic…story…whatever." So you actually think this is going to work? "Nope, but do you have any better ideas?" Not really. That's why I gave you this one. Besides, you don't have time to train a cat, and not enough people. "Did you really just quote a movie?" Hey, characters in my story are not allowed to criticize me. "Oh yeah? This story is just about the worst…" Deadpool was cut off as a large dog began to chase him. "Hey! No fair!" It was drooling and probably had rabies. "Fine whatever! No criticizing the story or the author." A dog catcher jumped out of an alley and caught the dog.

Deadpool soon made it to his apartment, or rather the apartment of this reality's version of him. "Weasel!" Deadpool called out upon entering the door.

A man came out of one of the side rooms. "Pool?" he asked quizzically.

"Yeah, who'd you expect it to be? Now come on I need help."

"I'd say you do. You look ridiculous. That costume and that arm band definitely clash," said this reality's Deadpool… ah…Deadpool 2.

"Sounds like a bad horror film sequel," they said in unison. Could be a good title. "NO! You can't use our name for your stupid story." You guys are some slow learners. A weird radiation struck Deadpools' apartment causing the 'Mercs with the Mouth' to be struck dumb. Funny how those things happen. Now back to work? Deadpool one began to write down what he needed. He handed the list to Weasel.

"You need me to build this? Hmm…Could be doable." He rummaged in the closet looking for parts. "Yep, no problem."

Thirty minutes later the device was complete. The author having no other ideas for a mute Deadpool allowed them both to speak. "Chimichanga!"

"What?" asked Weasel.

"Ah, never mind. Is it ready?" asked Deadpool 1.

"Yep, good to go.

"Alright." Deadpool 1 grabbed the device and prepared to leave. "Hey, handsome you coming?" he asked Deadpool 2, causing a very awkward moment because of the bad joke.

"No I think I'll stay. The learning channel has a special on the feeding habits of the common housefly that I've just been dying to see. Good luck though on the whole world saving thing." He quickly fled the room.

Deadpool 1 shrugged and left, happy at now being able to be called just 'Deadpool'. And so was the author.

Back at the crater Kronk was keeping the Sentry busy by feeding him spinach puffs. While he was distracted the Tick came up behind him, grabbed him by the arm and began to slam him into the ground first on his left and then on his right. Just then Deadpool arrived with the device.

As the Tick threw the Sentry into the ground Deadpool said, "Bam, Bam, BAMBAM. Although you do need the caveman outfit Tick." This produced puzzled looks all around, even from the Sentry. "Anyways hold him still for a moment. I've got fasten to this to him." He duct taped a metal box to the Sentry's chest. "Duct tape is an awesome word." Yeah well apparently spell-check thinks it's two words.

After attaching it Deadpool said, "And all we do is press the magic button." Deadpool pressed the button. "And…presto! The Sentry disappears!" And he did.

"But where did he go?" asked the Tick.

"Which way did he go? Which way did he go?" said Deadpool in a sing song voice. "Ahh Looney Tunes." Then he snapped out of it. "Oh, I teleported him deep into space where there is nothing for him to feed on. So by the time he gets back to anywhere with life he'll be cured.

"Oh…" said Kronk and the Tick in unison.

"Magnificint plan chum!" said the Tick punching Deadpool's arm, again.

"Can I go home now? We're done right?" asked Deadpool in a pathetic voice. Are you kidding? I still haven't used up all of the jokes for this story. I have to do one or two more missions yet.

Deadpool's hand smacks his head as he groans.

They disappear and reappear back at the Time Broker's base.

"Hey, it's the Time Dude!" said the Tick pointing.

"Please…please make it stop," said Deadpool near tears.

The Time Broker spoke to them all. "Ah, I see your mission went well. No deaths and my instruments show that there are no longer any plague threats. Now, there is another mission, but I assume you would prefer to rest before going on it. Perhaps we could play some board games, tell stories, or…"

"Just send us to the next mission!" yelled Deadpool becoming hysterical.

"My, aren't we eager," said the Tick impressed.

"Well, alright," said the Time Broker. He began to study his clip board. "Ah, yes. Here we are, Mission #2. It's hard to pick it out from all the others."

"All..the…others? HOW MANY…" began Deadpool, but was cut off by the Time Broker.

"Your next mission will be involve time travel and deep space battles. It should be very exciting. You must stop this reality's time line from being destroyed."

"Fine, whatever, let's go," said Deadpool resigning himself to his fate of being stuck in great story telling. "That's up for debate." HEY! No back talk. You're going to be a hero. You'll save millions, if not billions of lives. There'll be action, adventure, and death defying stunts! "I'm going to hate this reality aren't I?" Umm… Yep, pretty much. Good news, there are some cool weapons in the mission after this and… no one is bullet proof.

The Tick, Kronk, and the Time Broker were all staring at Deadpool trying to figure out who he was talking to. The all shook their heads and dismissed it. "Alright," continued the Time Broker. He then pushed a button, "Have fun!"

You could just hear Deadpool saying, "Yeah right," as they disappeared.

They reappeared aboard a star ship. "Keen!" said Tick. "I've always wanted to be on a space ship!"

Deadpool started walking away. "Where are you going?" asked Kronk.

"To find some guns… and lots of whatever constitutes happy pills in this reality."

Suddenly the gem on Deadpool's arm came to life. "You are on the USS Kelvin in the year 2233. Although since this isn't any of your realities that doesn't really matter."

"Great now the gem has a sense of humor," said Deadpool. The ship is rocked by an explosion. "What was that?"

The gem continues. "This ship is about to be attacked by another vessel. It will not survive."

"Oh good, a suicide mission. Now the story gets interesting," said Deadpool rubbing his hands in anticipation.

There was a scream down the corridor. The Tick turned towards the scream. "There are people onboard this craft! TO ACTION! We must save these people!" He and Kronk ran off.

Chimichanga

Doorknobs guns

Go to Halo, and meet Master Chief, Deadpool makes Star Wars, Mandalorian references without exactly coming out and saying them

Deadpool is asked what the mission is and he responds, "To insure the survival of John Conner"

Or says what the mission is and then says the john conner bit

Deadpool says something about "These are not the droids you are looking for," while waving his hand. Or replace droids with something else. He then says, "The force is strong in this one."

Feel the fun rage!


	2. Chapter 2

"You have an idea, right?" asked Deadpool to the empty hallway. Not really. I just finished rereading the plot synopsis. Oh, but make sure that… George Kirk doesn't die. It really messes things up. "You just had to look up his name, didn't you?" Don't you have someone to be protecting? Now, be quiet while I think up a way to stop a giant ship that outguns you.

Deadpool rolled his eyes and went running down the hallway. "I hate being in these stories written by amateurs. Not that the professionals are much better." He went through a doorway. "Automatic doors… meh, we have those on Earth." Then he started looking around the room. Suddenly his eye fixed on a platform. "SHINY!" He ran over to the control panel. The room was empty of personnel. "Ohhhh….. a teleporter…" his eyes began to roam around the room. Then he rapidly began pushing buttons. What are you doing? "Who?" George Kirk is on the bridge. He kept his eyes on the screen then he murmured to himself, "Where is my reality on this thing?" That won't work. "Well anything is better than being in this story!" He randomly pushed some buttons and then jumped on the teleporter. "See ya!"

Deadpool reappeared in a darkened space, filled with lots of metal pathways at different levels. There was the sound of heavy machinery in the distance. "Chimichanga! I'll get out of your story, yet!" Actually, I think I can use this… Suddenly he was spotted and a guard raised the alarm. Humanoid aliens in dirty uniforms began to appear on different levels, and opened fire on him. Deadpool dove for cover and pulled out a pair of uzi's and began to return fire. "I'm still waiting for those better guns you promised…" Fine… There was a ricochet and a guard above him fell, his phaser rifle sliding towards Deadpool. "Finally!" He began running towards the remaining guards, yelling "Fear my doorknobs!", and spraying bullets and phaser blasts.

A few moments later and all the guards were dead. Deadpool was breathing heavy and had a few wounds that were healing. "That maybe the most fun I've had in this story so far." Well, you still need to hurry. While you've been playing they've been trying to blow up the other ship you were on. "I'm still in space?" Yep. You didn't get very far. Funny how that happened. "I hate you." Get used to it. Now go to talk to the captain of the ship. You could try to talk him into giving up his life of violence, but somehow I don't see you doing that. "Really? What gave it away?" Could you at least capture him alive? "Fine… Which way?" Behind you.

Suddenly Deadpool felt a barrel being pointed at the back of his head. "Who are you? And what are you doing on my ship?"

"Captain is it? Look, it's very simple… well, come to think of it, it's not. Short version, I'm here to stop you by any means necessary."

"Fair enough." Captain Nero then shot him. Deadpool dropped to the platform. Nero snorts, shakes his head, and walked away.

"You dare (cough) to turn your back on me?" Was that supposed to be a Shakespearean accent? "Hey, it's not like I ever met the guy." True.

Nero turned and began firing at Deadpool. Deadpool rolled off of the platform, catching the one below it. "Hey, where's the rest of my team?" Not my fault you decided to go off on your own. Deadpool then began to fire through the platform above him at Nero. Nero leaps runs down the platform, returning fire as he goes. "Spry fella, isn't he?" Eh, more like he's not a redshirt. I don't think he's crew actually had names.

Deadpool jumped back up to the platform Nero went down. He was still not fully healed, but was getting close. He limped after Nero. "The current target is heading towards the cockpit."

Deadpool turned to the ruby on his arm. "Oh, now you're working. Did the author forget about you?" Shut up. "No, you shut up." No, y-… would you just finish the mission already? Deadpool continued down the corridor.

It ended in a doorway which was sealed. He knocked, "You want to buy some Girl Scout cookies?" He pulled out some explosives from his belt. "Alright, suit yourself." The door blew inwards. "We deliver!" He tossed in some grenades.

Oh, that's non-lethal. Deadpool jumped through the doorway. The cockpit was a mess. There were several guards in varying degrees of injury. Deadpool pulled out his swords. "Marco…" he called.

Suddenly Nero dived out from behind a smoking computer console. He hit Deadpool twice as the mercenary charged towards him. He swung his arm down in a slicing motion. Careful! And struck Nero in the head with the ruby on his arm. He collapsed unconscious. "What? All a part of the plan. Can I leave now?" Ugh.

Deadpool reappeared on the USS _Kelvin._"Hello, chum!" said the Tick. "I'm glad to see you're alright! One more of those missiles and our shields would have fallen. Can you believe we're in space!?" The Tick was virtually bouncing in excitement.

"Yeah…it's pretty cool…" said Deadpool sarcastically.

The ruby on Deadpool's arm came alive again. "Mission complete. Timeline is intact enough to meet parameters. Returning to base."

"Finally…" Deadpool said exasperated.

They reappear in the Time Broker's base.

"Hello, time dude," said the Tick, waving.

"Hello, Tick. Congratulations to all of you on yet another successful mission. I must say you're doing better than I had even hoped."

"So, ah, what do you have next for us?" asked Kronk.

"The next mission is a little more complicated. You are to stop a war from developing into a three way conflict. There are two warring species and a third that is parasitical in nature, that takes over and controls its host."

"So, more zombies… how original," said Deadpool. Hey, I didn't write the story. Well, not that one.

The Time Broker eyed Deadpool, not sure what to make of his outbursts. "You'll be sent to the start of the conflict. You must stop the war and the outbreak of the parasites."

"Sure, no problem…" said Deadpool.

"That's the right attitude!" said the Tick slapping him on the shoulder with so much force that Deadpool almost tipped over.

"Good luck," said the Time Broker as they disappeared.

They reappeared on a futuristic looking world. "Gem thingy," called Deadpool to his forearm. "Where are we?"

"You are on a planet named Harvest, a human colony. It is about to become under attack by the Covenant." There was an explosion, as a strange looking ship began to strafe the nearby town. Many more ships were entering the atmosphere, already firing their weapons.

"Great…" Deadpool looked up in the sky. "I'm expecting LOTS of weapons and explosions in this story." Yeah, yeah, don't worry about it. Deadpool turned to the rest of the team. "Autobots, roll out." They looked at him in confusion, but followed him at a sprint towards the town.


End file.
